I am enough. Three words that have never been a part of my vocabulary for the entirety of my life. Though in the past I might have claimed otherwise, talking about self love and authentic happiness that I believed I was experiencing, I now know that all my past experiences were only illusions for what I truly wanted to embody - a secure and confident person who truly loves their authentic self.
I have never felt enough in myself. My entire life has been clouded by insecurities and a sense of inadequacy and this influenced the ways in which I showed up for myself and with others. That's why I strove to change my appearance, to look a certain way and gain a sense of worth. That's why I surrounded myself with toxic people, to try and gain a sense of self that was contingent on perceived popularity. That's why I bought the clothing that I did, to feel a sense of love when others projected it towards me.
The thought that I am enough in this current moment, for all that I am, is terrifying to me. Such a soothing and heartfelt statement only stirs up anxiety and fear in me, because what if I truly believe that.
What if I truly believe that I'm enough as I am and that's still not enough - for myself, for other people. What if I don't experience the love, joy, and success that I equate with my idealized version of myself. What if my authentic self still falls short. What would that say about my worth. What would that say about what's accessible to me.
I'm scared to truly allow myself to be the most authentic version of myself because of how raw and exposed it would leave me. Being that exposed would leave me vulnerable to judgment, rejection, hurt, and pain that I believe holding a wall up would protect me from.
My sense of unworthiness is almost like a safety blanket I use as an excuse to explain my failures and rejections. It's okay if I fail, if someone doesn't like me, or doesn't understand me because that wasn't the real me. They weren't rejecting me, they were only rejecting a version of myself. It's okay if they don't like me, because they haven't truly met me.
unfinished.
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